These days it seems no one can agree on anything. In fact, compromise and concession have become dirty words. They imply weakness, frailty. What is needed is a thick skin, a strong backbone, and a loud voice. No statement, no matter how benign, or even factually true, can go unchallenged. Public figures of all stripes are wielding arguments like weapons, beating their opponents into submission at every turn. And it has leached into our private discourse as well. The level of incivility on social media often tempts me to turn it all off, shut it down. Several recent online and real life screaming matches reminded me that things have only gotten worse since this article, "For Argument's Sake; Why Do We Feel Compelled to Fight About Everything?" was written 'way back in the last century. It's by Debora Tannen, the brilliant linguist and author. Tannen sums up the way such discourse limits our capacity to communicate: "Staging everything in terms of polarized opposition limits the information we get rather than broadening it. For one thing, when a certain kind of interaction is the norm, those who feel comfortable with that type of interaction are drawn to participate, and those who do not feel comfortable with it recoil and go elsewhere." Her book The Argument Culture expands on this point, and provides much insight into why this kind of miscommunication leads us to situations where everyone loses.
I work with clients who often need to manage tense, adversarial situations. And in those situations, the way to show true leadership is to actively diffuse any confrontation. It can be a tricky maneuver and takes some skill. But it has to be done: fighting "to be right" stands in the way of making progress. Oh sure, one person may think some sort of victory has occurred if her "side" has scored more points. But what has really been accomplished? Not much. The fact is, our workplaces, committee rooms and homes are not sports arenas or battlefields. If you want to move forward and achieve your goals, connection and compromise are the way to go. The compulsion to always be "winning" only gets you so far. Just ask Charlie Sheen.
Battling Bolo, full length portrait as boxer, courtesy Smithsonian American Art Museum
