My clients have recently been asking me about interrupting and over-talking. The fact is, everyone interrupts. It is not longer just "what rude people do"—if, indeed, it ever was! So it's time for all of us to stop being so reflexively judgmental, and look at intentions and outcomes.
Some peopIe, in a misguided attempt to "stick to the agenda" wield the "no interrupting" cudgel more forcefully than any preschool teacher ever dared. I won't take time here to explain that this action in itself can be disruptive, or analyze the importance of perceived power to those who still cling to this idea. I would just like to ask them to calm down a bit, get off their high horses, and note that linguists and anthropologists have been pointing out for years that communication styles vary across cultures. What one group sees as incredibly rude over-talking, another sees as necessary bonding activity. Deborah Tannen's landmark 1990 book, You Just Don't Understand, is remembered for shedding light on the different conversational styles between men and women. I read it back when I was a Midwestern transplant to NYC, and what struck me most was her analysis of the influences of geography and related cultural norms. Now I live in Virginia, where I am in meetings with those who pride themselves on their "gentility" while speaking. As I look around the room, I find I am not alone in hoping they will soon get to the point.
The interruptions will always be with us. Because unless you are living in a homogeneous world, those at the table will not share the same perspective on what is acceptable. Many see interrupting as a positive thing, a chance to show enthusiasm, as in "Yes! what a great idea! I agree!" Others only see someone grabbing the conversation and commanding the floor. But let's step back. Are these all, really, conversation-stopping "derailers?" The type of interruption that serves no purpose other than to glorify the speaker? In a recent piece for his very clever advice column, writer David Eddie points out the differences between these odious high-jackers of conversation and "garden-variety interrupters," offering some amusing (and probably very effective) ways to deal with them.
I am no advice columnist, but I will urge you all—friends, clients, and colleagues—to look at why interruptions take place and where they lead. Unless they are total communications disrupters like Eddie's derailers, it is often prudent to go with the flow and let those interruptions happen. Of course you need to keep the conversation on track, but think of yourself more as the school crossing guard, making sure everyone gets to their destinations safely, rather than the traffic cop who issues tickets for (sometimes minor) infractions.
